It's official. My firstborn is in the school system. The beginning of a new phase in our lives. One that I looked forward to with great anticipation, however, found overwhelmingly mixed with emotions as it arrived. On the eve of the first day, we prepared the snack and backpack...got all things in order and tucked everyone in bed - all prepared for her afternoon kindergarten spree. As I lay in bed that night, it hit me. I began to get a bit misty-eyed, as a wave of worry came over me. I was sending my baby off with strangers for a day, then having her ride home on a bus that she has never been on before. My mind began to race...what if she can't find her teacher? What if she can't open her juice box? What if she is afraid? What if she gets made fun of? What if her backpack rips? What if she gets on the wrong bus? What if she has to go to the bathroom while on the bus? What if she starts hear "bad" words? And on and on I went. Dan finally silenced my barrage of worry with, "Will you just leave her alone? Go to sleep."
As I pondered why this event hit me so hard, I realized it really just more a loss of control on my part. For the past five years, I have had my hand in everything she does. I direct what happens, I dicate the schedule, and I know everything that goes on. With letting her go to school, I have no choice but to relinquish some of that control. By relinquishing that control, I am basically letting her go into the world with the hopes that I have done enough to prepare her properly. I can no longer protect her from the "evils" that be out there. I have to let her go and allow her make her own decisions, hear things that are contrary to what I've taught her, and let that last part of her independence be developed. In my eyes, a loss of innocence.Not only was I dealing with control issues, I was also dealing with my own anxieties from the past. I have very vivid memories of being so nervous to go to school each day, I would get stomach aches. And in the town I grew up in, if you weren't tan, rich, and vacationing in Club Med, then you weren't cool. I used to be called "Casper" on the bus because of my pale skintone. And this was elementary school. Again, as I began spouting off all my old haunts from the past, Dan calmly said, "Will you stop? She isn't you."
I know I shouldn't worry. Alexa is the biggest rule stickler there is. She was a great student at Preschool the year before, and I was always so proud that she always did the right thing even when everyone else wasn't.
So, we dropped her off at the school. She hopped out in all her glory and ran right to her spot. She dropped off her backpack in the pile and ran to join the other kids on the playground. I cried as we drove away. And then when I got home. Meanwhile, I have 2 other kids to tend to. I gave Zachary his lunch and tried to put him down for a nap. He decided today would not be a nap day, and came running down stairs saying, "Sissy!" looking to play. I had to remind him she was at school, then he proceeded to ask when she would be home until I distracted him to something else, and I choked back the tears.
I watched the clock and prepared to go wait out on the driveway for her bus to drop her off. I felt comforted that her 2 older cousins Luke and Jake would also be on her bus as they live right next door. The bus was scheduled to drop her off at 3:15. At 3:45 we were still waiting. I began to worry that she would certainly not ever want to ride a bus that got her home so late. Finally, a full 45 minutes late, we spotted the bus coming down the road. Now, the bus drops them off across the road, and they have to cross over to get to the driveway. We live on a fairly busy road and so the trend has been that the kids would get off the bus, wait for the bus driver to tell them it's safe to cross, then they would cross. I reviewed this with Alexa the night before, but she forgot in the excitement. She was first to disembark off the bus and she naturally came running toward me on the driveway. Thankfully, all the traffic had stopped, but we all yelled "NO NO STOP" and scared her half to death. As you can see in the pictures below, she ran way ahead of the "a ok" from the bus driver, and her cousin Luke (on the right) appears to be saying "what are you doing Alexa? She didn't say we could cross!!" She arrived to me on the driveway with big crocodile tears, fearing she did something terribly wrong. I explained why we yelled, and just reminded her that some people aren't safe drivers on the road, so we need to make sure all the cars are stopped before she crosses. Despite that mishap, she appeared to have a great day. She said her favorite part of the day was riding on the bus. Then she told me, "I wasn't sure if I was allowed to read my books I brought in my backpack on the bus, so I just left them in my backpack and sat quietly." I am so proud! But still a little teary.
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